On 8/23/15 my son, Victor was born almost 3.5 months too early. We have no idea why I went into labor, or why he decided to come so early, but he was not ready to live outside of me yet. He was beautiful, my husbands clone. Jake’s tan skin, dark hair, long strong hands and legs, his second toe longer than his big toe. I affectionately call this my husband’s mutant toes–he says it’s a sign of genius.
Victor was every bit of boy I could ever have dreamed of. He did not stay with us long–one loud cry, and then he gripped each of our fingers before we had to let go.
I held him in my arms for 14 hours before having to hand him over to a stranger–my tears come easily now as I am writing about that moment.
As I write this it is 10/23/15, 2 months after his birth. I don’t understand how I still think and feel. 2 months–how has i been that long? One second, then the next. Sometimes it feels like 2 minutes, 2 years,20 years, or two lifetimes since I’ve felt him moving inside me.
During those first few days I felt lifeless, almost as if I had died with him. My body had no idea how to deal with the feeling of life inside me one night, and the complete and total loss of any thoughts and feelings.
My six weeks off from work as a flight attendant came and went in a blink and here I am three weeks back on the line.
The emotions I’m still feeling are unbearable at times, I never know when or who I will run into next and how the baby talk will play out. It feels as if I’m living in a dream world at times.
Because of your strength and courage to write When Bluebirds Fly and our chance meeting in the mailroom, I can honestly say I’m so much better today than I was the day we met. Reading your story brought me to my knees, JoAnn. I read the entire book cover to cover before I got home from that 3 day trip…Please know your light, your joy, the love for your Billy lives on in your absolute quest to find healing and comfort for others. Complete strangers like me that happen to be overheard in a second of time. And you happened to have a book, a story, a glimpse of hope to give on an otherwise dark and gloomy day. I don’t think I would have made it through that first trip without your book, JoAnn.
I also lost my precious son, but for me its more the loss of my dreams of what was to come, and the physical feelings of him inside me to cope with.
Racheal, Victor’s mother
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